My name is Jessica. I am 19 years old and attending Cornerstone University . I am majoring in music performance on saxophone and bassoon but also getting a music education degree. Lately though God has been tugging at my heart to go into some type of psychology; so right now I'm not sure the outcome of my education here at Cornerstone. One thing I have learned is that God has been perfectly faithful through both good and bad times. Looking back on my life and experiences I don't know where I'd be without a Heavenly Father who knows the plans for my life and future. So now I'd like to share my story of struggle and victory.
I grew up living a pretty happy childhood, good parents that took care of me and a little brother that became a good friend. Things growing up though started to tear down my self worth. I entered high school feeling that I had to earn love by being perfect. I had my music and an immense drive to be perfect. My eating disorders started when I entered High School at 14 years old. I was involved in everything; sports, advanced classes, music in and out of school, lessons, and other activities.
Life soon seemed impossible and out of control. I was stressed out and I wasn't able to reach that ideal of perfectionism. I also wasn't very close to my parents at that time. I felt alone and was in search of something to relieve all this stress and to give me some kind of control in my life. I went to a Christian event because I was trying to become closer to God. I knew who he was but I didn't understand His unconditional love and provisions.
The Christian event I went to was something called a thirty hour famine. Those thirty hours turned into two weeks for me. By then my parents noticed I was not eating so they made me eat something. I didn't want to because it was satisfying in a sense and helped me manage the stress of everything. On that day I tried getting rid of my food, and it worked. I soon realized that purging my food was a lot easier to get away with and keep secret. I thought I had finally found something that would make me happy.
From being around a certain relative of the family I gained a perception that I was never good enough at anything I did and the ED became a way of punishing myself for not being good enough. It also was a way to get rid of stress, hurt and life.
I purged after almost every meal, up to five times a day, most of my freshmen year. Towards summer I realized I was no longer in control of the one thing I thought I had control over. I needed to stop but I was addicted to it.
Something in me knew that I needed to stop no matter what. Right around that time I read 1 Corinthians 6:19-20. It says, "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body."
I held on to this verse and the fact that I didn't want to continue destroying God's temple. I surrounded myself with people that would help and support me so that my decision might be possible. I spent almost every night on the phone with someone, crying because I wanted to purge so badly but I knew I couldn't give in. I did not stop completely right away. But I kept prolonging occurrences and it got easier to not do.
I for the most part was able to stop during the summer. I would mess up once in a while but things were going well. Activities slowed down and life wasn't as stressful. Then my sophomore year started and so did a million and one activities. I was terrified to start purging again because of how out of control it got last time but I had not resolved the internal issues and I still needed something to relieve all the pain and stress I was feeling. So I started cutting myself. I got deeper and deeper into feelings of hate for myself. I thought I was worthless and that no one cared about me. I had tried multiple times to get rid of the things I used to cut myself but I was too consumed by it to stop. The pain from cutting was much more bearable then the emotional pain. By January 2002 I had plans to kill myself. Luckily a friend realized something was wrong and talked to me, then told my parents. I broke down and cried out to God for help. Since then I have never had another feeling or want to take my life.
Later that year I started restricting food again. I had gained weight and I didn't like it. The eating disorder was now more to lose weight unlike before where it was a punishment. I even made it a competition to see how little calories I could eat and how much weight I could lose. During that summer I met the most amazing person. Her name is Minde and you will be able to read her testimony on this web site also. It was a miracle that I even met her because there were over 20,000 people gathered at the Alive Christian music festival that day. I thank God that he brought us into each others lives. When I hit the lowest weight I've ever been at she was concerned and traveled out to visit me. She told me I had a problem which I didn't believe. I wasn't throwing-up or cutting. I felt pretty good and I was still eating. I didn't know that 500 to 700 calories wasn't enough. She began to gain my trust and slowly started to teach me how to eat again. We broke through fear foods, which was anything with fat grams, raised my calorie intake and worked through underlying issues. She also helped me to see past all of the lies I had been telling myself for years and helped me to see myself the way God does. What really struck me is that I'm perfect just the way I am.
My whole junior year was full of a whole lot of ups and downs. It was discouraging to keep failing at recovery over and over but I knew I had to keep trying. The last time I relapsed was Easter time 2003. I went back to barely eating and exercising excessively. I knew that what I was doing was wrong and I broke down again and cried out to God and was able to finally let go of it. I couldn't do this to myself any longer. It wasn't helping and only made me feel worse.
The physical act of eating is now to a point where I can eat normally. I no longer have fear foods or need to count calories and my body has been maintaining at a healthy weight for a year now. After the physical part of me was healed I would still battle internally with thoughts/temptations to go back. Insecurities about who I was, etc.
Through God's word I was able to fight the lies the world and myself had engraved into my mind. Lies like "I'm worthless. No one loves me. I don't look good because I'm not skinny enough, if I loose a few more pounds than everyone will like me more". Lies, all lies! These are lies because no matter how thin I did get I was never happy with myself, I was never satisfied with how I looked. I was not happy until I learned to accept myself for the person I am and not worry about what everyone else thinks.
Now in my second year of college God has helped me get to a point where I know there is no turning back. I've found a new joy in life that I didn't know could exist. I will every once in a while have negative thoughts but I've learned to distract myself or pray when those times come. Contrary to popular opinion, someone who struggles with an eating disorder can be completely healed and that is my desire for all of you who can relate to this. It's hard for me to believe that what I just wrote to you was once me. That is why I'm writing because there has got to be more to life than living with inner conflict and physical destruction.
As a follow-up, I was in counseling here and there and just did one last year of counseling 2004-2005 to really resolve some things. I never went inpatient or had specific eating disorder treatment. I guess I tell you that because I don't want you to lose hope if you cannot go to counseling but you do need people around you to support and understand what you're going through. I highly encourage counseling if it is in any way possible. So how did I overcome the eating disorder? Countless ups and downs, tears and struggles; but I think what got me through it all was a decision to get better no matter how hard or what happened. God was always there with His amazing help and love. So were friends and family who supported me and taught me the truth. Please don't give up!!
Jess
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